The Hospital Chronicles - Episode 6: There's No Place Like Home

Sunday, May 21, 2006 I awoke at 5:00 AM (as usual when the Vampire came again). I got up, cleaned up, and walked around a bit before breakfast. I sat in the chair and reflected on my stay here. I knew the doctor was going to release me today because he promised. My night nurses said goodbye and the day staff came on. Laura, the nurse who saved me after the "incident" was on duty. I was glad it was her. I had a breakfast tray with some yogurt and cream of wheat (yumm...) and then Anita came in. We sat and talked for a while, took a walk and then asked when they thought the doctor would be there. "Well, it's Sunday so we don't usually see them until after 11." ELEVEN!! UGH!

So I went back to bed and had a short cat nap, all the while watching the clock. Soon I heard telltale whistling (yes, the doctor whistles). I immediatly sat upright. He came into the room and looked at my scar, checked out my chart and then said "So, do you wanna go home?" "Uhm YES PLEASE." He went back out the the nurse's desk to write my order. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my suitcase and immediatly put on my underpants. That's right - I got them back! Anita helped me get everything packed up and I put on my house dress and was ready.

It actually went pretty fast. He wrote me a prescription for some pain meds (score!) and a shower chair. It took a little while for Laura to process everything but I was out of there a little after 12 noon! Anita pulled the car around to the ER entrance and I was outta there! It felt really good to breathe fresh air, see the sun, all that stuff. And now I'm a new person with new insides! I'm ready to face the world man!

We drove home to Marshalltown via the scenic route (14 south to the Rock Creek road). It was pleasant. We got home and Anita unloaded all my accouternaments I had obtained at the hospital. You know, the breathing machines, the jug, etc. I had a shower in my own shower where I washed my own hair! I put on a nightgown - with a back on it! I was ready..... ready to lay down. I laid down on the bed and went to sleep. It was nice. All the kitties were so happy to see me. They all slept with me that night. There was very little room in the bed, but that was okay with me.

It's true, Auntie Em, there is no place like home.

The Hospital Chronicles - Episode 5: A Way Over Yonder

One of the very most important aspects of getting better and thus, getting OUT of the hospital is walking. As I told you, the staff made me get up on the side of the bed my very first night after surgery and "dangle" (that's a real medical term boys). So after considering my future in the hospital, I decided that I would just have to start walking as far and as often as I could stand it.

Saturday was a hard day because the doctor said I could possibly go home that day. Then after some blood tests and such, he decided that maybe I should stay just one more day to make sure everything was going to be okay before he sent me home to Marshalltown. It was then I decided that I would just show that doctor that I was ready to go home.

I typically had been walking to Room 4 and back (I was in Room 2 so no big journey). Then I walked around the entire ICU and out into the hall, down the hall a short ways, and back through the double doors. It was kind of fun because there were those handicapped buttons that you puch and both doors magically open. So every time I entered the ICU from the hallway jaunt, I made an entrance. And as we all know, all I want is to be the center of attention.

After a few of those walks, it became easier. I would make sure I had a pain pill before I went on a serious walk, because it did still hurt. After a while I was taking my own tray out to the cart and such. I did walk halfway to the shower (which is quite a ways away from ICU) but I had to ride back in the wheelchair. Then later that night I walked alone to the ICU waiting room for visitors. They have leather couches in there!! So I made some phone calls and then walked a short ways down to see the birdies in the aviary. That was neat. So walking became my way to get healing faster and to make me tired enough to sleep maybe 4 hours in a row at night.

When I was released on Sunday I didn't walk much when I got home because I was a little tired. But then Anita took me one day to Walgreens and Hollywood Video and I walked around there. It was good but it still tired me out. I guess I'm just surprised that the fact that all the energy in your body is constantly working on healing whatever it is, that you can tire so easily. But believe me, it's the best exercize you can do after this surgery. Especially if you have had a massive hernia fixed. Probably Pilates is not the first thing on your list to get done. Actually the ability to wipe my own ass was the first thing on my list, but walking was right up there...

The Hospital Chronicles - Episode 4: The Gaseous Giant

Gas giant
A gas giant is a large body that is not primarily composed of flesh or other solid matter. Gas giants may have a squishy or fleshy core and in fact, such a core is thought to be required for a gas giant to form but the majority of its mass is in the form of gas (or gas compressed into a liquid state), mainly methane and feces.

Common features
Gas giants share a number of features. All have gaseous centers that are mostly methane and that blend into the liquid interior at pressures greater than the critical pressure, so that there is no clear boundary between exterior and body. They have very hot interiors, ranging from about 5000 K to over 20,000 K. This great heat means that, beneath their skins, the objects are most likely entirely liquid. Thus, when discussions refer to a "solid core", one should not picture a ball of solid flesh, or even, at 20,000 K, liquid flesh. Rather, what is meant is a region in which the concentration of heavier elements such as fat and muscle is greater than that in the rest of the body.

Some gas giants have distinctly different interior compositions, with the bulk of their interiors thought to consist of a mixture (or layered assortment) of flesh, water, methane, and Tabasco. Both have magnetic fields that are sharply inclined to their axes of rotation. Sometimes, they are not considered gas giants at all, but rather "pepper sauce giants".

Terminology
The term was coined in 1952 by the science fiction writer James Blish. Arguably it is a somewhat of a misnomer, since throughout most of the volume of these bodies, there is no distinction between liquids and gases, since all the components (other than solid materials in the core) are above the critical point, so that the transition between gas and liquid is smooth. The observable exteriors of any of these bodies (at less than unit optical depth) are quite thin compared to the body radii, only extending perhaps one percent of the way to the center. Thus the observable portions are gaseous.

Extrasolar gas giants
Because of the limited techniques currently available to detect extrasolar bodies, most of those found to date have been of a size associated with gas giants. Many of the extrasolar bodies are much hotter than gas giants, making it possible that some of those bodies are a type not observed in our solar system.

Thursday night in the hospital was not a great night. I had a distinct sharp pain in my side and could not get comfortable. At 1:00 am my stomach started going nuts. Yeah, I had become a gas giant. All kinds of toxic materials in there. The body gurgles, extreme pain, then nothing. I sat on the toilet for 45 minutes - nothing. I sat in the chair - nothing. Finally I decided I would try to lay on my side (sometimes that works at home).

So I laid there pretty much in excrutiating pain. Until finally I started to feel the sphincter loosen just a little - I thought I was finally going to fart! I didn't.

There is nothing more humbling to a 48 year old woman than pooping the bed. The funny thing is, the nurse wasn't upset at all, and in fact, she was kind of excited about it. Anyway, all that cleaned up, I slept from 3:30 until 5:30 when the creepy blood lady came in to draw more blood.

Then more pain, more gurgling - so I sat on the toilet for another 45 minutes. This time my body cooperated. It released a cache of excrement followed by three trumpeting releases of gas. Now alot of people are turned off by farting. In fact, I'd venture to say very few people are pleased to do it in public - and those around the farter are noting less than shocked and mortified by the display.

In the hospital the whole passing gas thing is completely different. People are smiling, applauding, doing high-fives, making margaritas... it's a BIG DEAL. And the way my body feels now compared to before this momentous event? Priceless. So don't take these little miracles for granted. Don't hide your gaseousness - celebrate it! It means your digestive system is working properly and you should be proud.

The Hospital Chronicles - Episode 3: Food Glorious Food

Someone told me that I was going to get food on Thursday. Food? Okay, I know I'm supposed to eat some pureed food for like the next six months or something like that. I hadn't tried the pureed thing at home before the surgery. I kind of wish I had because I wasn't expecting what I got. I knew it would be small amounts. One ounce of protein food and one ounce of a "side dish."

My friend Mitch came to visit me before he left for home in Colorado. I have to say that Mitch is terribly witty and charming and I was glad he was there when the lunch lady came to ask me about my meals for the day.

So the lunch lady with the shower cap says so what would you like for lunch?

"Hmmm. How about a turkey sandwich and french fries?"

Yeah she thought that was funny. I bet she never gets stuff like that from gastric bypass patients... She said how about some cottage cheese and peaches? Okay. That sounds good. Now for dinner...

"Hot beef sandwich with potatoes and gravy?" Ha ha ha. "Come on now," she said.

"Okay I'll have a scrambled egg and some pureed vegetables."

The lunch tray arrived just as I had finished my walk down to Room 4 and back. Pureed cottage cheese is, well, alot like regular cottage cheese. It tasted like cottage cheese and the peaches were good. Dinner was a little different. A scranbled egg is pretty soft to begin with, unless you cook it until it's like a rubber eraser. Then imagine taking that rubber eraser egg and putting it in the food processor. Hmmm. Not so good. Pureed peas is somewhat of a mystery to me. I like peas. I like pea soup. I like peas in salads. Pureed pease taste like peas, but the texture is kind of like eating algae. All in all, not what I expected.

As I progress I am learning to accept the joys of pureed foods. I bought some baby food (which is TERRIBLE! I wouldn't feed that stuff to a baby!) and have since decided I should stick with fresh ingredients and puree things myself. The other night, Anita and Jeff had barbecued chicken. Now the smell of barbecued chicken is pretty irresistible for me at this stage, so when they were finished, I cut off a piece of chicken, put it in the food processor with a little water and some more sauce, and whirled it up (as Anita says). You know, the texture was different, but it tasted just like barbecued chicken. So don't despair, those of you who are in Puree Hell. You must let go of the yogurt and applesauce and embrace other proteins. It's okay just make sure you watch the sugar and fat content of the ingredients.

There is also a book called Pureed Foods With Substance and Style by J. William Richman and Maria Seppi Ferraco. The book is meant for institutions with inpatients who suffer from swallowing disorders. The book teaches you how to prepare good-looking and good-tasting foods, puree them, and reshape them to their original forms to enhance taste and eyee-appeal. So if you really are into it, check it out. It's only around $100. http://www.jbpub.com/catalog/0834205548/ (Although the idea of eating a tuna salad actually shaped like a fish is a little weird to me)

Personally, I think this 3 or 4 week period will go by pretty fast. I'm excited about getting to eat crispy foods like crackers and melba toast, because then I can start a whole new chapter of recipes. Oh, and look for my new book, Food Glorious Squashed Pulverized Pulpy Food.

The Hospital Chronicles - Episode 2: The Incident

Wednesday May 17, 2006. It's 5:00 AM. A woman enters my room with a white lab coat on. "I need some of your blood..." she whispers. I willingly stretch out my right arm, bruised from multiple needle sticks and tight blood pressure cuffs. In a low voice she says "Now it's gonna be a little poke." OUCH DAMMIT! Okay I'll just press the button. When I press the button all the pain goes away. Ahhh...

Laura, my day nurse comes in at 7:00 am to take my vitals. She tells me that my tubes will probably come out today! I'm so happy! Press the button.

Doctor Don comes in and says they can take out the NG tube and the catheter! Wow! This is awesome! Maybe at lunchtime I'll get a tray!

With my oxygen, NG and catheter now gone, it should be easy to walk around! I get up with much the same results as the night before. Pain. Just press the button. "Savin' the world, is all." I walk to the other side of the room. It's a miracle. I sit in the chair. Another bloody miracle. I go to the toilet. I am on a roll baby.

Sheila comes in to clean me up. She is very gentle and washes my dried out ICU skin with some Baby lotion soap and hot water. That feels good. She says we can go for a walk before lunch. Lunch? Cool. Now where's that button?

I manage to get up again and holding on to my "buddy" the IV stand, Laura and I take a walk out into the hallway of the ICU. It's bright out here. I'm walking though. I walk about 20 steps to the right and decide I need to sit down again. I walk 20 steps back to my room and my lunch tray is there. I sit down in the chair. Anita looks at me like I've seen a ghost. I look up - is the room moving? "I feel a little dizzy, do you think I should lay down for a while?" I stand up and walk to the bed. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I start hyperventilating. Just like when I'm having a panic attack, only this is different. I barely hear Anita say "She's going to pass out!" Everything goes black.

When I open my eyes I am laying on the bed with the oxygen mask strapped on my head. There are about 15 people around me. Laura is doing something with the machines above my head. I hear someone tell Anita to wait outside. I look around and Laura says my name. I respond to her and she says "She's back." Was I gone? Weird... Apparently I had passed out and all these people came rushing in just like on ER! It was awesome, only then it was kinda scary. My BP was pretty low and my hemoglobin had dropped. I was also a little dehydrated. They pushed a second bag of saline, and gave me 2 units of blood and 2 of plasma. I like to say that Laura saved me. She was right there man. All the staff at this unit are very highly skilled. They were right where they needed to be.

I slept for a while and then I got up later. They took another blood test. I walked, but just around the room. I did have a tray later with some broth and Jello. It tasted like manna from Heaven. I ended up having additional blood and plasma both Thursday and Friday. Just to give me "a boost," Dr. Don said.

So after my "incident" (of which we will never speak again), I'm feeling much better. I talked to the social worker later that day and I think this has been both a humbling and empowering experience. Your body only takes so much and you can't push it. I tried that. I thought this would be a breeze. I was wrong. Listen to the signals your body gives you. It's important to do what the doctors and nurses tell you to do, but if you don't feel like you are up to it, or you want to wait a while - it's okay. Eventually the body will come around.


Morphine (INN), the principal active agent in opium, is a powerful opioid analgesic drug. Like other opiates, morphine acts directly on the central nervous system (CNS) to relieve pain, and at synapses of the arcuate nucleus, in particular. Side effects include impairment of mental performance, euphoria, drowsiness, lethargy, and blurred vision. It also decreases hunger, inhibits the cough reflex, and produces constipation. Morphine is highly addictive when compared to other substances, and tolerance and physical and psychological dependence develop quickly. Patients on morphine often report insomnia and nightmares.

The word derives from Morpheus, the god of dreams in Greek mythology.

And you can keep pressing the button, but don't be fooled by it. It might make you think you can do things that you're not ready to do.

The Hospital Chronicles - Episode 1: Surgery "Day"

Since I have been recovering, I haven't had much energy to work on the blog, so I thought I would do the whole hospital experience in a series named the Hospital Chronicles (much like the Laundromat Chronicles for those who knew me then).

Episode 1: Surgery "Day"

My friend Rachel told me that the reason it's called your surgery "day" and not your surgery "time" is because you can wait for freaking hours until it's convenient for them to actually do your surgery. I got a phone call the morning of my surgery and the nice girl asked me if I could come an hour earlier than my planned time of 11:30. I said "YOU BET!" We ran around and got there at 10:30 and then the nice lady wrote down my name and we sat in the surgery waiting area until 12:15. That's okay, it's my surgery "day." I really didn't mind, but it's one of those things that you kind of want it to be over as soon as possible so you can start the process of getting OUT of the hospital as soon as possible.

So I went to the pre-op room where they immediately take away your underpants. Underpants in the hospital are forbidden. So are socks. So I got a gown, paper boots and a paper shower cap. The 2 girls that prepped me were kind of mean, but they were also funny. I said to the one putting in my IV, "now don't get any air bubbles in there." The other girl laughed and said, "Nah, give her a whole line of air bubbles..." Funny.

Then they made my sisters come back and wait in the room with me until it was time to go. I'm glad for that otherwise I would never have gotten to hear the arguement they had about whether the government was actually responsible for the attacks of 9/11.

When it was time to go, they made me walk into the OR! That was weird! It was really bright, and COLD! I got up on the table and all these people started doing stuff to me. Now aren't they supposed to give you something to help you "relax?" I don't remember getting that. So here I was laying on the table and the cute little anesthesiologist gave me some medicine in my IV and said, "Now, Annette, this is for nausea because we don't want you to feel sick. But it might give you double vision." So I closed my eyes... and then opened my eyes and sure enough - it filled me eyes with that double vision. There was no disguising - that double vision. And so I just shut my eyes and decided to keep them shut.

Don't remember much after that. I remember waking up and being wheeled through the giant Jurassic Park door to the ICU. They moved me to the bed and hooked up my Borg attachements and then pretty much let me sleep.

The nurses in the ICU are very gentle and attentive. They didn't jerk me when they moved me, and didn't sigh when I asked for some ice chips. They did ask me to sit up on the edge of the bed. Now, this experience I was not prepared for. It might not have been so bad, but the doctor decided to fix my massive hernia in addition to the bypass.

Having a 12-inch slice down the middle of your belly, that's stapled shut, and not one, but TWO drainage tubes in your gut is not only a strange feeling when you're lying down, but try sitting up from the laying on your back position. Man, I will not lie to you - it hurt and it hurt BAD! I'm guessing most of the pain was due to the hernia fix. In any case, I did it and it hurt and all I wanted to do then was lay back down and go to sleep. So I did.

I was okay that night - of course the morphine didn't hurt. I slept on and off but woke up pretty much every hour. Oh well, it was good because that day was over. The day I was dreading. Little did I know.

So the first day (the "day" of your surgery) is mostly forgotten - except for that pain part. I haven't forgotten that yet. It's okay to be frightened and nervous because I don't think we as humans can squelch those things. Just remember that if you've picked the people and the hospital, you have to give yourself over to them. Let them do their job because they will do it best if you aren't freaking out.

Stay tuned for Episode 2: The "Incident"

Off we go!

So here I am. My bag is packed, I have my journal, slippers, a robe and underpants. But you know that the first thing they do when you get to the hospital is take away your underpants... I'm taking them anyway.

It's been a very weird day. I worked until WAY too late last night on work stuff. Then I had a bizarro dream that I actually missed my surgical appointment because I had to work until 8:30 (UGH). I went to work this morning intending to stay until noon. I left at 5:00 (finally). I just stopped answering e-mails and phone calls. I made a couple of executive decisions and I left. Then when I got in the car I started to cry. I don't know why? I'm a GIRL! I don't know if it was the stress of work, the fear of the surgery, or because Barry Manilow was on the radio. I just can't put my finger on it. I'm guessing it was a combination of all those things.

I had a lot of friends here tonight. My friend Rachel was in town who is also going to the hospital with me tomorrow (she's a "nurse" and the subject of several novels to be written by my friend Gregory - "Nurse Rachel is Responsible," "Nurse Rachel Saves the Day," "Nurse Rachel in the Linen Closet." But I digress...

Gregory was also here tonight. He's been through many surgical procedures (too numerous to name) and is always supportive, and doesn't lie about stuff like this. He's been a great friend and inspiration.

My friend Mitch from Colorado came to town yesterday. When I asked why, he said because Sunday was Mother's Day, and "you're having this thing." He even gave me a card! Which absolved him from paying any more attention to me. He keeps me in check with his sharp wit and dry sense of humor.

And of course my little nephew Eric was here. I don't know what I'd do sometimes without him around. He makes me laugh even on the WORST days. Plus he'll have to take care of the kitties.

My sisters, Anita and Carolyn are going to be there for me also. My family may not always agree on things, but when it comes to health-related stuff, they are there, man. I mean they are loyal. Anita will be taking care of me, and I know and trust she will do anything in the world for me. I love her so much.

So my feelings are mixed. After talking to my nephew Jeff (Anita's son) I feel excited. He's been a workout guru for the last several months and said "I can't wait, man, you are gonna be mean!" Yup that's me! I'm gonna be one lean, mean motherf*cker!!

I talked to Jill yesterday too. She and Kenny have been my friends forever. I haven't had a chance to talk to Greg though and now it's too late to call him. But I know he'll be thinking about me. These people are, to me the best people in the world. They have never seen me as "fat." They were never embarassed by me in public. I love them so much.

Okay enough of that sappy stuff. I need sleep. So I will sign off for now, and I will be a new person the next time you hear from me. Well, my stomach will be new. The rest of me will still be the same.

I'm ready to face the tiger. Namaste.

Countdown...

Okay, so it's now Thursday and only 5 days until the surgery. To say I'm a little nervous would be like saying George W Bush is a little dumb... I guess the thing that's worrying me the most isn't the actual surgery, or even the recovery in the ICU. It seems to be what's going to happen at work while I'm gone.

I know that sounds stupid. No one is irreplaceable. But then I'm a perfectionist, and when something doesn't go right, is incorrect, or takes a little longer to figure out, I'm a wreck. I have great people working for me too so I know that they can take care of things, it's just that there were so many things I wanted to get done before this happened, and it looks like they are not going to get done. I can work all weekend and into the night (like I have been this last week) but I'm not sure it will do any good.

So, officially, I'm letting go. Didn't someone once say "Let go and Let God...?" I like that saying but it's definitely easier said than done.

Having said that, I'm going to tell you about my pre-op interview on Tuesday of this week. Anita and I drove to Grinnell Tuesday morning. First, I did my pre-admission. Then we talked to the RN for what seemed to be about 16 hours. I know it wasn't that long because otherwise I would have had to use the restroom. After she told us everything... in detail... that would happen the day of the surgery and the 3 days after I'm supposed to stay (that's right - only THREE days), we talked to the anesthesiologist. I just love spelling that word. So he was a cute little Pakistan man and told me what would happen in the operating room while I was unconscious. He didn't mention they would be making fun of my hair or drawing mustaches on me with a Sharpee, so that's a good thing (although I know they do that).

Then I had an EKG, blood taken and then the Nutritionist came in. An almost intolerably happy person, this woman was pleased to talk ad nauseum (no joke intended) about the joys of pureed tuna and Whey Protein Isolate. So after I learned a few things from her (I actually did), it was down to X-ray where they must have been having an incentive day for how fast those girls could take x-rays! I was in and out in about 4 minutes!

So then we came back to Marshalltown, grabbed lunch, and then it was time to visit the family Doc for a little pre-op physical. My doctor, Dr. Demmel is so cute. He has a little bald head and he's really tall and he has a wonderful manner. When he talks to you he talks to you like an adult and looks you right in the eye. Anyway, we had a chat and after some additional poking and prodding I was deemed suitable for surgery. I paid my co-payment and went on my merry way.

It was an all-around lovely day of medical testing. I was exhausted! So now I'm sitting here thinking. I'm thinking about work. I'm thinking about the surgery. I'm thinking about not being able to eat a Peanut Buster Parfait ever again. I'm thinking about riding the new roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain - Tatsu "Fly at the Speed of Fear" (62 mph, 11 foot drop, 4 inversions). http://www.sixflags.com/parks/magicmountain/index.asp

I think I can really do this. I'm going to do it. Stay tunes, the countdown is just starting...