Tale of a Big-Boned Gal

Story of a woman undergoing gastric bypass surgery.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I'm In Love With My Car

The machine of a dream
Such a clean machine
With the pistons a pumpin'
And the hub caps all gleam

When i'm holdin' your wheel
All i hear is your gear
When my hand's on your grease gun
Oh it's like a disease son

I'm in love with my car
Gotta feel for my automobile
Get a grip on my boy racer rollbar
Such a thrill when your radials squeal

Told my girl i'll have to forget her
Rather buy me a new carburetor
So she made tracks sayin'
This is the end now
Cars don't talk back
They're just four wheeled friends now

When i'm holdin your wheel
All i hear is your gear
When i'm cruisin' in overdrive
Don't have to listen to no run of the mill talk jive

I'm in love with my car
Gotta feel for my automobile
I'm in love with my car
String back gloves in my automolove


Words and music by roger taylor of queen



1999 Chrysler 300M
My machine of a dream...

So I really do love my new car. It's not new, but I've had it less than a year. But that little dickins was holding back on me. Not really lying, just withholding information...

So about 2 weeks ago I noticed that my turn signals were blinking really fast. Well, as a seasoned car-trouble professional, I know that means you have burned out light bulbs on that side. But BOTH sides were doing it. Hmm. I went to Theissen's to buy cat food and picked up a package of light bulbs for my car. I came home and got out the instruction manual. The instructions were kind of vague for the front end lights. It involved removing the vinyl mask and then the wheel well cover and basically squeezing underneath the facia and pulling out the bulbs. I just didn't feel up to it. Neither did Eric and as a seasoned manual-reader, he looked at the instructions for a long time.

What the hell, I work in Des Moines, so I'll just pop 'round to Stew Hansen's Dodge City and have the boys put it on the hoist. So last Tuesday I popped 'round and they put it on the hoist and took off the appropriate pieces. I sat in the waiting room drinking coffee and reading the Register. The guy came up and said this "Um, has this car been in an accident?" "Not since I've had it."

"Hmmm, well there's no wiring to the directionals or the fog lamps. Just the headlamps."

"Say Huh?"

It was true. There must have been an incident in my car's past where some half-assed grease monkey decided he didn't need to replace any of the wiring to those lights. So Steve (my shop liaison) said they would have to order parts. Okay, I guess I can handle that.

So I got a rental car to drive home that night. They gave me a 2007 Dodge Charger. Whoooooo... I looked HOT in that baby! It was a pretty sweet ride... but I still like my 300.

So the next day, Steve called and said the car was done and I could come over and pick it up anytime. So I went over there and turned in the Charger and went to the desk.

Eight-Hundred and Fifty-Three dollars later... I had my car back. That's right. Of course most of that was labor, but I imagine it was a labor-intensive procedure.

Later that week, Eric told me he was taking Friday afternoon off to get new tires for his car. "Hmm, that sounds like a good idea" I said, "I think I'll stop at Ben's Saturday morning and have them check out my tires."

Now we all know that once you say something out loud into the universe, the universe says this: "Hmmm, I wonder how I can use this to SCREW up Annette's week..."

Friday (the day BEFORE Saturday for those weekday-challenged), I met Anita and Deann for dinner in Des Moines and then started for home. So I'm tooling down I-80 and listening to a little Huey Lewis and the News, and the next thing I know my front driver's side tire is flat.

Now, I don't have a "Mitch in Shining Armor" so I put on the blinkers, got the crap out of the trunk and started working. I got the car jacked up and the big tire off (and I got grease and dirt on my nice ecru lace top - dammit). I got the mini tire out and I could not lift it up on the bolts. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get it up on there. So I'm swearing and puffing and gnashing my teeth, and all of a sudden - a guy appears behind me and says "Let me take care of that."

A VERY nice-looking young black man in a fluorescent yellow jumpsuit is standing there with power tools. He had come from the other way in a little truck with the words "Highway Helper" on the side.


This is a service offered by the Iowa Department of Transportation. I thought he was from Heaven. He put my little tire on, took the car off the jack, put everything away in the trunk, AND put a little more air in the dinky tire. He gave me a card to complete and mail in to tell the DOT how I liked the service. Well, of course I think it's wonderful. Regular people don't stop to help people anymore. Everyone thinks you're a serial killer. You know, because of the emails we are bombarded with.. No one is going to slash your achille's tendon and steal your car... GAWD...

On the way home from the flat tire incident I was feeling pretty low. I turned my iPod on and a song came on from my friend Greg's CD "RankinStein." Ron Stein does a version of "Louie Louie" that you simply must hear. Greg, is there a way to get it out on the internets so people could listen to it? I ended up listening to it 3 times and laughed and giggled all the way home. So thank you Greg and Ron for that. You made my weekend not suck.

Anyway, I went straight away to Ben's Saturday morning and got 2 new tires. So now I at least feel safe and normal driving my 300. That lying b#tch. I can't believe I never noticed that whole turn signal thing... Anyway. Take care and be careful on the road!!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Global Warming, My A$$...

Actually I'm pretty certain that global warming played a significant part in the ice storm that we had here at the end of last month.

On Saturday morning, Feb.24, 2007 my electricity went off after about an inch of ice formed overnight Friday night in one of the freakiest storms of the decade. All the trees were broken. Marshall county was one of the 11 counties Gov. Culver declared "of particular concern."

The first 2 nights I stayed at the house. Sunday morning I got up and made hot water for coffee and toast on the grill in the garage.



It was about the same temperature out there as it was in the house. The kitties were certainly annoyed with the whole thing. They were all fluffed out most of the time and spent every night with me under the 17 blankets I used to keep warm.

Monday morning I didn’t go to work, because well, the neighbor’s tree (or part of it anyway) fell on my car. (A note to Kenny, Jill and Greg: Remember when the barn fell on the car? Well, this was kind of like that). There wasn’t much damage, just some scratches.



It really just kind of “pushed” the car down the driveway. I couldn’t have gotten too far anyway because many highways were still closed or reported as being dangerously icy.

Later that morning I went to Anita’s house. Her power had been off from Saturday morning until Sunday evening, so she was back on the grid. She gave me hot coffee and I laid on the couch and slept for another 2 hours. Being cold apparently takes a lot out of you.

When I woke up later, I realized I could not go back to the cold house. I went home, and Anita helped me pack up the ktties and we went to Anita's. Skittles, Miss Wiskers, Totoro and I lived in Anita’s bedroom for the next 5 days. When we left my house it was 42 degrees. The latest I had heard at this point was that they may have power restored by 6 PM March 4th. But then again, it might happen before that. Eric and Joe were without power also, but they have been staying in the camper during the day and sleeping in sleeping bags at the house at night.

The next 5 days were very weird. I enjoyed staying with Anita and actually called her “Mom” twice while I was there. That didn’t go over too well, but she was doing my laundry and making dinner and basically taking care of me.

We went to my house every day to see if the power was on, but it wasn’t happening. The situation was strange because it was as if the electric company guys had to go block by block and some people had power and the person next door didn't. Driving around town was surreal - it was like Armageddon. I was convinced this was the beginning of the End Of Days, but then I hadn’t seen the giant squid yet…

So me and the kitties stayed at Anita’s and we made dinner for Joe and Eric a couple of nights. We got more snow and wind that Thursday (Feb. 29) so work offices were closed on Friday (but I got paid anyway – Whee!)

We made dinner for the boys that night, but that afternoon Anita said she had a feeling – so we went to my house and my power was on! I couldn’t wait to get home! We went and got the kitties and took them over because it was starting to get warm in the house. Then we went back to Anita’s and had dinner. Then I went home and had a shower and started running all my machines (dishwasher, washer, dryer, etc.) Sleeping in my own bed with the kitties was a joy beyond belief. I can't believe how much we rely on technology at this point. I mean I think we could learn to do things the old fashioned way eventually, but if (God forbid) we really did have a real attack on this country. all they would have to do is take out the gas and electric and people wouldn't know what the hell to do.

So one month later, today, it was 82 degrees and sunny. I had the windows all open and kitties are intently watching the apparent bird wars going on in my backyard. The whole ice storm incident seems lights years ago, but it's springtime in Iowa and I guess anything can happen.

Otherwise things are going okay. My brother discovered he has 2 spots of cancer in his brain and is having a high dose radiation treatment tomorrow. If any of you are spiritual, we could sure use your prayers. The doctor thinks that one super dose will take care of it. If not there are other options including surgery, but I don't want to think about that yet until we find out if this is going to work. He will also be starting chemotherapy in a month. I will keep you updated.

So there it is then. I have had some "issues" with my car, but I'm saving that for another time. One other note, Eric obtained the last season of the BBC program "Extras" and we watched them this last weekend. Honestly, if you get a chance, you must see this show. Ricky and Stephen are brilliant and all the guest stars are just amazing.

Hope you are all keeping busy! See you again and take care out there!