Tale of a Big-Boned Gal

Story of a woman undergoing gastric bypass surgery.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Men...

So the other day I'm at the gas station and I'm minding my own business - pumping gas - and a guy in a PT Cruiser comes over and starts talking to me. So he's telling me about his gas mileage, and we talk about Chryslers and such. He asks me where I'm from and where I'm going. Then we smile and part and go our separate ways. Now here's the thing - I think this guy was hitting on me! Now, it's been a long time for me, and it's not something that I'm used to, but as I think back about it, I think that's what happened. He was a nice guy. Older (well, ok older than me, and there aren't many things that are nowadays), kind of short with a polo shirt and shorts on. Nice body, grayish hair, blue eyes. Probably a really nice guy.

So the first part of my problem is, I wouldn't know what to do with a guy if I got one. It's like when Totoro is trying to get the string and I say, "Well, what would you do with it if you caught it?" Nothing. Just wait for Mommy to take it and twirl it around some more. I'm so old and "set in my ways" that I'm not sure I could have a really serious relationship with a man.

The second and more prominent part of the problem is, I've been so spoiled by all the other men in my life, that I'm not sure I could "settle" for just a regular guy. I mean all the men I know are so overwhelmingly smart and talented that all others seem to pale in comparison. As an example, I will explain what my perfect man would have to live up to...

First he would have to be nurturing, caring and a good samaritan with an incredibly sweet soul.

He would have to rank in the top 5 nicest men on the planet (Kenny is #1 on the list I have). He would have that boyish charm of John Denver, but the sultry voice of Neil Diamond (Holly Holy! Whoo!)

Next, this man would have to have the special intelligence and problem-solving skill of an engineer. He would be smart, funny, innovative and romantic.

He would be sensitive and honest. A total Star Trek nerd, yet would enjoy a good 3 hour Bollywood musical. Oh, and giving the best hugs in the world would help.

Also, this man would have to be a masculine, manly outdoorsman. Able to chop wood, build a deck, shovel 12 feet of snow, and still be able to pick a perfect wine and play guitar for his lady.

Of course being the world's second-best guitarist would be a bonus (sorry, Eric is still the best). Like a fine wine, he only gets sexier and tastier with age. An old soul who has learned enough to know how to enjoy life.

But it's not just these guys that have spoiled me. This perfect man would also have to be loyal, sensitive, thoughtful and have the world's most beautiful blue eyes like my friend Andy...

He would have to be witty, funny, smart, a pure soul with big brown eyes. He can tease relentlessly, but will always be there if you need him like my friend Gregory N...

He would be sexy, baudy, a real man who loved women and lived life to its fullest. A man who knew how to make a woman feel beautiful and special like my friend Rollie...

So thanks for being my boyfriends all these years. I mean, you have basically ruined my chance for settling down with a permanent partner, but as long as I have the best of ALL worlds, why settle when I have it all? I love you guys!