The Hospital Chronicles - Episode 4: The Gaseous Giant

Gas giant
A gas giant is a large body that is not primarily composed of flesh or other solid matter. Gas giants may have a squishy or fleshy core and in fact, such a core is thought to be required for a gas giant to form but the majority of its mass is in the form of gas (or gas compressed into a liquid state), mainly methane and feces.

Common features
Gas giants share a number of features. All have gaseous centers that are mostly methane and that blend into the liquid interior at pressures greater than the critical pressure, so that there is no clear boundary between exterior and body. They have very hot interiors, ranging from about 5000 K to over 20,000 K. This great heat means that, beneath their skins, the objects are most likely entirely liquid. Thus, when discussions refer to a "solid core", one should not picture a ball of solid flesh, or even, at 20,000 K, liquid flesh. Rather, what is meant is a region in which the concentration of heavier elements such as fat and muscle is greater than that in the rest of the body.

Some gas giants have distinctly different interior compositions, with the bulk of their interiors thought to consist of a mixture (or layered assortment) of flesh, water, methane, and Tabasco. Both have magnetic fields that are sharply inclined to their axes of rotation. Sometimes, they are not considered gas giants at all, but rather "pepper sauce giants".

Terminology
The term was coined in 1952 by the science fiction writer James Blish. Arguably it is a somewhat of a misnomer, since throughout most of the volume of these bodies, there is no distinction between liquids and gases, since all the components (other than solid materials in the core) are above the critical point, so that the transition between gas and liquid is smooth. The observable exteriors of any of these bodies (at less than unit optical depth) are quite thin compared to the body radii, only extending perhaps one percent of the way to the center. Thus the observable portions are gaseous.

Extrasolar gas giants
Because of the limited techniques currently available to detect extrasolar bodies, most of those found to date have been of a size associated with gas giants. Many of the extrasolar bodies are much hotter than gas giants, making it possible that some of those bodies are a type not observed in our solar system.

Thursday night in the hospital was not a great night. I had a distinct sharp pain in my side and could not get comfortable. At 1:00 am my stomach started going nuts. Yeah, I had become a gas giant. All kinds of toxic materials in there. The body gurgles, extreme pain, then nothing. I sat on the toilet for 45 minutes - nothing. I sat in the chair - nothing. Finally I decided I would try to lay on my side (sometimes that works at home).

So I laid there pretty much in excrutiating pain. Until finally I started to feel the sphincter loosen just a little - I thought I was finally going to fart! I didn't.

There is nothing more humbling to a 48 year old woman than pooping the bed. The funny thing is, the nurse wasn't upset at all, and in fact, she was kind of excited about it. Anyway, all that cleaned up, I slept from 3:30 until 5:30 when the creepy blood lady came in to draw more blood.

Then more pain, more gurgling - so I sat on the toilet for another 45 minutes. This time my body cooperated. It released a cache of excrement followed by three trumpeting releases of gas. Now alot of people are turned off by farting. In fact, I'd venture to say very few people are pleased to do it in public - and those around the farter are noting less than shocked and mortified by the display.

In the hospital the whole passing gas thing is completely different. People are smiling, applauding, doing high-fives, making margaritas... it's a BIG DEAL. And the way my body feels now compared to before this momentous event? Priceless. So don't take these little miracles for granted. Don't hide your gaseousness - celebrate it! It means your digestive system is working properly and you should be proud.