Welcome to my Bworld

Here it is early spring and I'm just dying to get outdoors. Unfortunately I'm stuck inside at work. So why not set up a blog? So here I am and welcome to my space.

It is my intention to journal my journey (heh heh) through the process of having gastric bypass surgery. I have committed myself to this mutilation in order to save my life. I have been heavy all my life and I've decided to do something about it. It's been a pretty intensive process, so there is alot I will be working through. If there are those reading this and thinking about the surgery, this may help you through too.

I have posted the original first blog, so go ahead and read it even though I wrote it back on March 25th.

Welcome!
Netto

March 25, 2006

So here I sit. I am definitely exhausted from a stressful week at work and know I should be sleeping, but alas, my brain is still very busy. I even took 2 Tylenol bedtime tablets and, well, nothing is happening.

As I keep thinking I realize that I am about to undergo a procedure that will change my life forever. I am having Gastric Bypass surgery on May 16, 2006. Of course I had been planning and preparing for this for the last 6 months or so. When you start the process, you know it’s going to take this long. I did so much research online that I think I hit every single Weight-loss site there is. So I should be prepared. I’m committed, I’m ready, I know it’s going to work, I put my heart and soul into the process so completely that I can hardly think of anything else.

So why am I sitting here – scared to death?

Ever since I was little (well okay I was never really “little” but I mean “young”) I have been fascinated with food. My mom was an incredible cook and growing up in the Midwest I had come to rely on comfort foods that you knew would make you feel happy, warm, safe, and content. “Here, eat this brownie, it will make you feel better.” You damn right it will! In fact, it makes me feel so much better; I think I’ll just eat this whole PAN of brownies!! Growing up in a farm family spoils you on what you come to believe is how real food tastes. Friends I had growing up who lived in town didn’t have fresh cream or eggs. Their moms made loose meat sandwiches and box mix cakes. They had no idea what real food tastes like.

After mom got sick and I was taking care of her and my aunt, I still made the same dishes that mom so willingly and lovingly taught me to make: Homemade macaroni and cheese, beef and vegetable soup, meatloaf, cakes, pies and those sugar cookies that just don’t taste like anyone else’s. Those are the things I knew and clinged to when things got rough and I felt bad. Like scraping my knee, when I got hurt on the inside I ate the foods I knew and loved. I felt better and knew everything would be just fine after I had one more piece of that chocolate pie.



So maybe I’m not scared of the surgery. Maybe I’m not scared of the mutilation the surgeon will be doing to my digestive system. Maybe I’m not afraid that the thought of doing 30 minutes of exercise a day sounds horrible. Maybe I’m afraid of losing the feelings I had. Maybe I’m afraid of losing the secure feeling and the warmth of my mother’s care.

I know from the psychiatric evaluation that I’m mentally stable (yes, some will argue). I’m prepared mentally to accept the changes I’m imposing. But why do I feel so sad? It’s almost like a grieving process at this point. My psychiatrist assured me that there would be mental and emotional issues after the surgery. I know it’s going to be a huge adjustment and that I will have to look for alternate ways to comfort myself. I don’t know how hard it’s going to be and that frightens me too.

Everyone I have talked to has been very reassuring. I’ve talked to several people who have had the procedure. They say to do it, and that I will feel so much better. Once your body learns to crave the foods you need from the body’s perspective instead of the minds – it’s easy! I feel like it will be an uphill battle for me, but I have the strength and resolve to do it. I know if I set my mind to it I can do it. I want to think it’s going to be easy, but everything I’ve read tells me it isn’t.

So I’m scared. And I’m awake. The surgery is 53 days away. That sounds like a long time, doesn’t it? It’s not.

Okay, it’s 1:00 so I’m going to find a kitty and go back to bed. More later.